he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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