I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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