i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
