i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
