He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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