i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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