this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
