My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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