Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
