apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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