I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
