I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
