my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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