I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
