yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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