I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
