Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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