U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
