I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
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In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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