I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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