Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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