Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
This is classic penis vs brain.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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