I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think your dad took our porno
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
