Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
