My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
