your parents love me but you hate me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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