Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
