youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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