An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
