I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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