you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
