he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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