If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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