I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
