Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
