I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
