Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
