her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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