I looked at my own cervix.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
