i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
