I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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