Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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