I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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