i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
