You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
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This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
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I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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