Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
My liver just had a heart attack.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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