my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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