either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
