Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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