you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
