I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
