Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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