I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
home. puking in laundry basket.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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