Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
