Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
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you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
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I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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