I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They took my balls.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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