i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
