isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
